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I swear, books like this put the “neo” in “neo-pagan.”

How to Get What You Want by Stealing Other Peoples' Goddesses.

That wasn't the title, but it might as well have been.

I riffle through the pages. It's much as I expected: twelve chapters, twelve goddesses, twelve different cultures. Heavy on the European and Asian goddesses, of course. Each chapter headed by a colorful picture of said goddess (or quasi: Kwan Yin is a boddhisatva, the Guadelupana technically receives hyperdulia—whatever that means—not worship), then continues with a brief description, and finally—most importantly—concludes with how you can use her power to get what you want.

(Sedna. Of course there's a chapter on Sedna.)

Welcome to the food court of the gods.

My mind fills with questions.

You've been pagan for 40 years, and you're still doing this beginner-ass kind of sh*t? I think.

What's the matter, don't you have any gods of your own to cozy up to? I think.

Twelve different cultures, and not one of them yours: don't you feel even the slightest bit morally dubious about this? I think.

That's it? “It's female, therefore it's mine”? That's your spirituality? I think.

How does spiritual imperialism differ from other kinds of imperialism? I think.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still learning this “pagan elder” business.

Maybe some day I'll be the kind of pagan elder who can ask these kinds of questions. Maybe some day I'll be the kind of pagan elder who knows how to phrase questions like this in ways that they can be heard. Maybe some day I'll have the wisdom to know what to say in a situation like this.

Meanwhile, my friend's wife seems completely happy with her new acquisition. I hand the book back to her.

 Pagan Spring

My friend and I are celebrating the break in the winter weather with a walk together.

The sidewalks, icy no longer, are wet with snowmelt. Talking about religious imperialism and imperialist religion, we pass first a church, then a mosque.

Straight-faced, he begins to chant.

One god to rule them all, one god to find them;

one god to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them:

in the land of Israel, where the shadows lie.

It's probably an apocryphal story.

Even so, it's so delicious that you really do have to relish it.

The people of Harran in Mesopotamia had managed to hold on to the Old Worship long after all the other cities in the area had been baptized.

But then, in late 639 or early 640, the Muslim army of 'Iyadh ibn Ghanam approached the city.

According to the Qur'an, all pagans are to be be given a choice between conversion to Islam or death. People of the Book, however, are permitted to retain their religion and live, under Islam, as second-class citizens.

Who, then, are the Peoples of the Book? Christians, Jews, and Zoroastrians, says the Qur'an. And in one passage it adds: “...and the Sabaeans.”

Who were the Sabaeans? Nobody knows. To this day, there's no scholarly consensus.

As 'Iyadh neared Harran, the gates opened and the city elders rode out to greet the caliph and his army.

The Mayans, well known for their devotion to Zoroastrianism.