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In the days of Bush One, there lived a bulldog named Mabel.

Even as bulldogs go, Mabel was not exactly, shall we say, the brightest candle on the altar.

And this was her song:

The Mabel Song (1)

(To the tune of: Dreidel)

I know a dog named Mabel:

she has a corkscrew tail.

She's dumber than a table,

but smarter than Dan Quayle.

AP: Washington, D.C.

“I hate America,” Senator “Mitch” McConnell told Confederate Daily yesterday.

In a surprisingly candid interview, McConnell—senior senator from Kentucky (R) and Senate Majority leader since 2014—admitted to the largest online neo-Confederate journal that his entire political career has been, not only a sham, but a long-term political strategy to destroy the United States.

“My great-grandpappy fought and died to defend the right to own another human being,” he said. “In my family, we have long memories. Every single political decision that I've been part of making over the years has been intended to do maximum harm to the enemies of the Confederacy. Today I can say with pride that I've carried on great-grandpappy's fight, just in a different way.”

Long labelled an obstructionist, McConnell is perhaps best-known for his stonewalling of President Obama's candidate for the Supreme Court, an unprecedented action which opened the door for the appointment of arch-conservative Justice Neil Gorsuch. The recent decision of Justice Anthony Kennedy to retire virtually guarantees a second Trump appointee to the nation's highest Court.

“There's an incompetent in the White House, the Party of Lincoln is tearing itself to shreds, and we have a know-nothing, do-nothing Congress incapable of doing anything but tearing down what others have built. And now we've stacked the Supreme Court to guarantee injustice and civil unrest for the foreseeable future," he stated. "Yankee-killer that he was, great-grandpappy would be proud of me.”

AP: Minneapolis, MN

University of Paganistan researchers released a report today warning of specific health risks affecting the pagan elder population.

Ossified Elder Syndrome (OES) is a condition known to affect certain pagans of the Baby Boom generation, although occasionally found among younger pagans as well.

The average OES sufferer figured everything out in 1972 and has seen no reason to reassess or reevaluate since then.

“That's dangerous in the long term,” said Dr. Tsemah Posner of Arkham University. “The pagan world has moved on since 1972.”

The newly-released 20-year study defines the condition as characterized by loss of flexibility, decreased cognitive function, and an inability to hear the voice of anyone under the age of 45.

Frequently accompanied by disorientation, unprovoked outbursts of anger, and loss of the ability to taste any flavor but bitter, OES can severely impact the quality of life of both the sufferer and those around him or her. It can, in rare cases, be fatal.

But the news is not all bad.

(Editor note: this story is satire.)

In a surprise party-line vote Tuesday, the US House of Representatives passed legislation that would legalize private ownership of nuclear weapons by American citizens.

“Today we move a step closer to realizing the original intentions of the Founding Fathers,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R) told reporters. “God bless the Second Amendment.”

Similar legislation is reportedly making its way through the Senate. “We have a mandate to keep our children safe,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R). “How do you stop some whack-o with an assault rifle? Easy: you outgun him. God bless the Second Amendment.”

President Ronald Rump has indicated that he would sign such legislation if it were to reach his desk.

“Crooked Hillary doesn't want the good people of this country to be able to own nukes, but I do,” he told FOX News yesterday.

(Doorbell.)

Good morning, blessed be.

I'm Sergeant Johnny Deer of the PRP, the Paganistani Religious Police. I'm afraid we've had some complaints about this residence.

Yes, I'm afraid it is. Ma'am, it's almost March. You really do need to put the Yule things away. We've got to keep the Wheel turning, ma'am. In this age of Climate Change, we really can't afford to take any chances.

Oh, I understand completely. Believe me, I know all about busy. On this card, you'll find a phone number to call if you need a hand; there's free assistance available from the Commonwealth for the seasonally-challenged. Turning the Wheel is everyone's job, we like to say.

The people across the street? What do you mean?

AP: Minneapolis

Someone is killing the shopping mall Santas of Minneapolis-St. Paul.

Since Black Friday—a name which, in retrospect, sounds increasingly ominous—a total of nine Santas at Twin Cities area malls have been found murdered and, grotesquely, beheaded.

“Clearly, we've got a sick, twisted serial killer on our hands,” said Chief Stefano Pozzo of the Minneapolis Police Department. “These look like revenge killings, but revenge for what? Coal in the stocking?”

Authorities are mystified. Perhaps the most bizarre aspect of the killings has been the presence of piles of animal droppings at every crime scene.

In each case, University of Minnesota experts have identified the droppings as those of a sheep or a goat.

Not everyone, though, is mystified by the murders.

“The droppings clinch it,” said Stephanie Fox, high priestess emerita of Minneapolis. “It's Berchta for sure.”

Cowans are not all alike.

There are Protestant cowans, Shi'ite cowans, Hasidic cowans....

Cowans are not necessarily anti-pagan.

Some cowans actually like pagans.

Cowans don't all look alike.

Next time you're with a group of cowans, take a really close look. You'll be amazed!

Cowanism is not a single religion.

In fact, there are many different forms of cowanism.

Many cowans find the term “neo-cowan” deeply offensive.