Dear GW/BW:

So I'm having a problem with a former friend. He's been projecting to me while I'm sleeping and putting his hands on me. I ended our friendship when he couldn't get understand that I was only interested in being friends (I am in another relationship) and I also believe that he took a sacred object of mine and was using it against me.

Last night I had a dream that I was in the bath and he appeared and was groping me. I did a spell to keep him away from me a month ago, when I cleared out some other negative spirits and everything was fine until early Sunday morning at 3. He texted me the next morning and said "did you like the way that felt?"

I reinforced my protective shield but he keeps penetrating it; I feel justified in binding him but I don't like to do it. Do you have a spell to protect me and keep him from reversing it on me? or a spell to reverse the binding if he's able to break through my shield and bind me? I just want him to stop bothering me and move on with his life.

Distressed in Davenport.

Good Witch writes:

Dear Distressed:

As Wiccans, we’re often taught that binding someone — doing magic to “bind” or prevent that person from hurting others — is some sort of “nuclear option” for situations when someone’s behavior is absolutely unacceptable and must be stopped. Many consider it ethically dodgy because it impinges on the person’s free will, but will do it when all other means have failed. Personally, I’m not a fan of binding, but not for ethical reasons.

Magic — no matter how good or pure or well-intended—always has a price, and the price, in the case of a binding, is that you are energetically attaching yourself to the person you’re binding, when in this situation you need to be doing the exact opposite. There’s almost no way to put a magical barrier around this person without attaching yourself to him energetically somehow. So I encourage you to think about this problem in terms of cutting all ties —  both mundane and energetic — by refusing to “feed” your connection in any way, and shoring up protection.

1. First, if you haven’t told him to cut off all contact with you in an assertive, crystal-clear, and unambiguous way, do it now. Many women are taught to be “nice” and careful not to hurt feelings, especially when we’re rejecting men (their sensitive egos, you know). Screw that. He has crossed way, way over the line, and he doesn’t deserve your compassion. Tell him unequivocally — but unemotionally — to frack off. Show him you’re powerful, you’re done with his crap, and you mean it. Don’t get emotional (he obviously enjoys that) as it might spur him on. Be firm and cold. Afterward, cease all communication. Do not waver.

2. Next, that magical object he took? It’s no longer yours. Prevent him from using it to connect to you by disconnecting from it. Do a ritual where you visualize the object and your connection to it — whether it be emotional, energetic, DNA, or whatever — and cut the hell out of that connection with a knife, athame, battle axe or whatever image works best for you. You no longer own that object. Let it go.

In a similar vein, draw a protective circle around yourself, visualize any residual connections you have with your stalker, and cut the hell out of those, too. Then don’t visualize your connection again so you don’t start rebuilding it.

3. You’re probably already doing this, but if not, cut him off on all social media and email. Don’t announce you’re doing it or why; just do it. Change your accounts if you have to. And change your phone number, because he shouldn’t be texting you. Every text is a connection, and you need to sever all connections. Yes, getting a new number is inconvenient, but it’s also a powerful magical act. Make sure it’s unlisted and all friends know not to give it out.

4. Calmly and rationally tell any mutual friends you’re severing contact with this guy. Tell them privately, and not in some group post on Facebook. Remember, you’re disconnecting, so you don’t want to draw more attention to your relationship. Tell one or two friends you know well and can trust why you’re doing it (again, privately!) to enlist their help, but don’t feed the situation by telling everyone. As for other mutual friends, say it’s important to you and ask them to respect your wishes on this issue, but don’t go into details. And don’t go around bad-mouthing the guy, because that just feeds the drama he clearly wants.

5. Continue doing banishings and wardings on your house regularly, but when you do them, do NOT think of or visualize your stalker. You’re blocking out anything negative—not just him—and you don’t want to feed the image of him in your mind or your fear of him by calling him up mentally while doing magic.

If your stalker knows what rituals you use, he can find ways around them, so get some new ones. Personally, I’m fond of witches’ bottles (there are many “recipes” for them online). You fill them with pins and sharp things to repel evil and threads to bind it up, then bury them somewhere on your property. If you don’t have a yard, put them in house plants or hide them in the back of a cupboard or closet. You don’t want to think of your stalker every time you see them, and you don’t want to explain them to the neighbors, so put them out of sight.

If the person you’re dating lives with you or sleeps over and is comfortable with doing magic enlist their help in doing the banishings and wardings. Two magicians are better than one, and it will make you feel better to have support. It also helps your partner feel invested in your protection, and if your stalker tries to break through and has any sensitivity at all, he will get the message that you’re not alone and vulnerable.

6. Make and wear a protective talisman, especially when you sleep. Do NOT visualize your stalker when you make it. Hopefully you won’t need it for long. Get your sweetie to help with this, too.

7. Last but not least, please consider visiting a counselor or therapist. I know it’s not cheap, but there are therapists who work on a sliding scale. Being violated in the way you were can be very traumatic, and it would be good if you could talk that through with a professional. Even if he or she doesn’t believe your stalker literally touched you in your sleep, the therapist can help you minimize your fear. The less afraid you are of this guy, the less power he has.

I wish you the best of luck. Remember, you have every right to reject this guy. Don’t let him or anyone else tell you different.

Lov,

Good Witch

Bad Witch sez:

Dear Distressed:

I won’t lie to you: this appeals to the Ceremonial Magician part of me. Your former friend (i.e. moronic stalker) has shape-shifted into a neo-Incubus. The mind wobbles at the very thought of it.

He hasn’t, of course, he’s just being yet another controlling, manipulative wannabe magician. I ask that you keep that in mind as we proceed.

Many modern Pagans--and certainly the class of light-clinging New Agers that seem to plague so many nice shops—are ridiculously scrupulous (read: terrified) about the idea of anything negative. So they walk through the world barely-shielded (because they want to get all the feels of all the peeps), don’t want to be grounded (because they are shiny clean spirits in a nasty earthy body)and have absolutely no training in any sort of magic with any sort of teeth in it.

I commend you for at least considering a binding and for attempting shields but, baby, your heart ain’t in it. So, as always, we have to start with your intention. Do you want it to actually stop? Do you want to stop this wannabe from doing this to someone else? Or are you getting some super-cool, look-what’s-happened-to-poor-little-me status from the experience? Honestly, it’s a fascinating story—right out of an episode of Buffy. Think about it. Really think about it. WWBD? What would Buffy do?

She’d kick his scrawny butt, that’s what. And that’s my advice to you. Kick. His. Scrawny. Butt.

And here’s how you—and maybe some friends—do that. (Any friends who are Scorpios? They are great at this sort of stuff.)First, you have to master both shielding and wards. And if you are “too busy” to learn and practice magic, you’re going to have to hire someone to do it for you. Find a shielding technique that works for you. Some people create shields that are mirrored so that whatever gets thrown at you goes ricocheting back. Some people do steel. Some people imagine themselves under a clear dome of Pyrex. Shields have to be strong and impermeable. Got it? You can’t leave a little corner open so you can feel what your kitty is thinking. Shielding is shielding, kid. Learn to put ‘em up fast and keep them up as long as you need to be sure you’re ok. OK? Once you have sturdy shields up around you, you can consider what to do next. But you can’t do that while you’re lying in bed being poked by someone who has no business being there.

Either you or someone who has skill at it should also set wards around the place you live, as well as your car, if you have one.

Completely protect yourself, got it?

Once that’s in place, you can start by binding his scrawny butt. I have discovered that many people don’t understand binding very well. Probably because they have no education in it or haven’t practiced it enough to get good at it. You are not binding this jerk to you—that’s a whole other thing. You are stopping him from doing what he’s doing. That’s it. There are many techniques for binding and lots of different materials. If you have something he used to own, you can use that. Or you can make a little poppet and put his stupid name on it and use that. Wrap it in black string and burn it or bury it or put it in water and stick it in the freezer. But, yeah, sister, bind him. And be done with it.

Don’t take a text or a phone call or any of that nonsense from him. You owe him nothing, except a nice juicy curse. Disappear him from your world, as though he had never existed.

And when you’re ready for the nice juicy curse, give me a call.

—Bad Witch