I am doing a 12 month journey with crystals as I connect to a new deck that my husband bought me for Christmas, you can follow my journey at my personal blog, here : https://priestessofgrace.wordpress.com/2016/01/01/january-amethyst/. As you read it you will see that I pulled Amethyst as my crystal for this month and that one of the qualities that this author has ascribed to Amethyst is humility. I always think that I have humility, how prideful is that? In creating my intention and really working with my Amethyst I have felt this crystal moving me and uncovering layers that I have been unwilling or unable to access until now.

 

When I met my husband it was what I call "love at first talk," I change sight to talk because, although I was captivated by his presence when he entered the dark and old wooden room that I was sitting in on my first visit to New York City, it was when we first connected eye to eye and introduced ourselves to each other at a diner later that night that everything in my world burst wide open.

 

I had been infatuated at first sight many, many times, and while infatuation is a high that I would ride on as I vibrated with manic romantic visions and dreams, this love was a combination of joy and peace. The peace grounded and held me together as I fell over and into love. I went back to my friend's apartment that night and journaled about how I had met the man that I was meant to marry, I did it partly to remind myself as I prepared for a long distant cross country courtship that I just couldn't envision unfolding smoothly (and of course my husband to be had no idea that I was certain we were twin flames) and partly so that I could prove to others that I really did know that first night I met him that I was going to marry him, that I was right. (I could have used some of that Amethyst humility then). 

 

What followed was a whirl wind romance. The story of how we fell into love across country and coasts is something that I've written about and referenced in many of my previous posts, it was intense, pure, innocent, fragile and the most miraculous time in my life. The energy of being in love was bliss filled  and beautiful.... but, I have a practical Taurus moon and that moon rules my heart, so even in the throes of new love blossoming I knew that life would have to be lived and I knew that if him and I were going to have any longevity in this earth realm we would need to be able to take care of the business of life. I coined a phrase that I was very proud of, it felt profound and explained exactly what I believed to be true, I would tell him "we will never last without love, but love alone will not be enough to sustain us." He would listen with his big beautiful hazel eyes and nod his head in agreement.

 

I have attracted dreamers into my experience my whole life and in magnetizing dreamers I had had plenty of romantic relationships with boys who wanted to dream but wouldn't get their bills paid. My husband to be was an aspiring actor and an artist, I made it clear that I supported his dreams and the day that they paid the bills I would be the first to applaud him living in his dream only, until that day, he would need to do what I did, work to bring in a pay cheque and pursue his dreams when he wasn't at work.

 

I needn't have told him that, in fact it was a bit bossy, but it was a standard that I needed to state at that time as I had just left a traumatic relationship.

 

Our relationship continued to blossom, my husband worked hard, when we were ready to get engaged he worked diligently to get me my dream ring (nothing ridiculous but it is so sweet and reminds me of a fairy ring), we had a wedding, we had a baby, we moved across country, over and over my husband worked with me to take care of the practical details of life, yet the more we accomplished the more I could see that still needed to be accomplished. When it felt as though we were off track I would point it out to him, he would try to ease my mind, he would want to cuddle and connect and I would harshly remind him "Alejandro! We need love, but love is not enough, we need to be able to take care of these things." Each 'thing' that was taken care of did little to keep my insatiable desire for security fulfilled for long.

 

I don't know when his eyes began to loose their sparkle, I don't know when he stopped reaching out to give me a comforting hug, I don't know when my list of tasks became just that a task list instead of something that inspired him to make me proud as he worked with me, but the other night as we bickered yet again over a task that I don't even remember he left me to go downstairs to take care of some business and I sat upstairs alone, quietly indignant. Slowly sadness began to creep in, finally he returned and asked if I wanted to watch a show.

 

"Sure," I replied, arms crossed, not making eye contact. We sat side by side and I looked forward with a steely gaze, all I wanted was for him to scoop me up like he used to, to jostle me and joke around, to try to perk me up. But he didn't, and for the first time in a long time, I knew that it wasn't his fault. It was mine.

 

 

My natural reaction to understanding that the position that my husband and I were in was my fault, was to deny it, to blame him, or in the very least to convince him that it was his fault. My husband is a beautiful Virgo who lives to serve, he will accept fault finding and assume responsibility for far too much and I was tempted to blame him and to watch him do the leg work of loving me more, when clearly it was me that needed to do the loving. I felt sick with myself.

 

We sat on that couch in silence and sadness welled up within me, and then my daughter cried out for me and I was called away from our lonely couch. I went upstairs to nurse her back to sleep, I lay there remembering us, how in love we were, how in love I was, how once upon a time he could do no wrong in my eyes. As my ego began to sink into pity and remorse my spirit started to speak to me, it told me that I was wrong. For years I had been wrong, the whole premise that I had based our relationship on was wrong. Love is enough, in fact there really is nothing else but love.

 

I had been instilling in us both that love wasn't enough, that we needed to have more than love and to do more than love and it had bled my husband dry. My husband's greatest quality is his ability to love, he loves like no-one I have ever known before, he acts out his love, he gives it, he doesn't withhold it, his pride doesn't dim his love from spilling over. And here I had taken this awesome gift that I had received in having him as my Beloved and I had squeezed the life out of it by convincing us both that love would never be enough for me.

 

I lay in the dark with a pit of dread in my gut, afraid that I had pushed him too far away, while simultaneously feeling hopeful that if we could get back on the beam everything would be okay again. My mistake and the revelation that it was a mistake made me hopeful.

 

I traced the recesses of my memory and recalled our relationship I remembered how when he and I were aligned with pure love for one another there was literally nothing that we couldn't accomplish. We had seemingly insurmountable challenges when we first met one another, we were living in different countries and we both had our own demons that we were healing from. Yet the more we loved one another the smoother our path was. Love seemed to open the door for grace and all of our needs and most of our wants flowed to us.

 

Abraham Hicks calls this being in the vortex, they implore us to focus on getting into the vortex (anything that makes us feel true happiness, joy or love gets us in) before focusing on the world outside of us. How had I gotten it so wrong? And after years of being on a spiritual path? How arrogantly ignorant of me to try to convince somebody else of this personal belief of mine that I turned truth?

 

I began texting my husband from bed, I began to open up to him, to let him know how much I missed his tenderness, his care, how much I missed him and I acknowledged that I was the one that had pushed him away. He is such a beauty, he received me instantly.

 

There is one piece that I haven't been able to muster the humility to share with him yet. And that is that I was wrong. I haven't told him yet that love is enough, that if we will both focus on loving each other, madly and completely, just like we did when we fell in love that I believe that we will be okay, not just as a couple, but in our lives. I haven't told him that I recognize the illusion of seeking security as just that, an illusion, that I believe what he already knows, that together, committed to love we are secure and we are safe. 

 

This post, my first for the year of 2016 is for him, it's a big I'm sorry, I was wrong, let's love each other madly note.

 

That is my commitment from here on out, to be a lover, to love as hard and as diligently as I can, to channel my energy into love, and the rest of life can fall where it will. I sorrow about the pain that I have inflicted out of fear and as I sorrow I rise up, like the phoenix from the flame, rising into the vibration of love. Tonight I am giving thanks to Goddess that I wasn't too late in receiving this message, that my marriage is still in tact and that my husband is still just as in love with me as I am with him.

 

I am stepping onto a new length of my journey now, I am stepping into love as a sustainer of safety and security and I am surrendering the rest to Goddess.

 

Many blessings.

 

Grace Be With You,

Priestess of Grace,

Candise Soaring Butterfly 

 

image taken from: http://www.zastavki.com/pictures/1920x1200/2011/3D-graphics_Flame__ice__heart_026843_.jpg