Paganistan: Notes from the Secret Commonwealth

In Which One Midwest Man-in-Black Confers, Converses & Otherwise Hob-Nobs with his Fellow Hob-Men (& -Women) Concerning the Sundry Ways of the Famed but Ill-Starred Tribe of Witches.

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How You Can Pray Your Way to a Firmer, Shapelier Butt (and a Few Other Things Besides)

You could call it the Threefold Salute.

In my head. On my lips. In my heart. (Touch brow, mouth, chest.) Or the other way: In my heart. On my lips. In my head. Up the tree or down?

It's a formal greeting. It's a ritual salute. In body language, it says: So mote it be.

When you enter a sacred space, pause at the threshold. Bend and touch the ground. (If you can't actually touch the ground from this position, at least reach for it.) As you straighten your spine, standing up, touch heart, lips, head. Then enter.

When I make the twice-daily temple prayers, each prayer is accompanied by, or ends with, a threefold salute. (In my head. On my lips. In my heart.) Then I touch the ground. (So mote it be.) This brings the prayer down and affirms it. (What is more solid and trustworthy than Earth?) Then I bring it back up: In my heart. On my lips. In my head. 

As you bend, you'll feel the pull at the base of your buttocks, where your leg muscles join the gluteus maximus (or, in the case of scrawny guys like me, the gluteus minimus.) Do this often enough—in the course of daily and ritual life—and you'll be well on your way to a newer, shapelier you.

Both physically and non-.

Blessing to be Recited upon Seeing Someone with a Beautiful Butt

(A Blessing from Canaanite Tradition)

Brukhá at Asherá, elatéinu, em kol khai,

ha-otzévet akhuzéi gvarím/nashím.

Blessed art thou Ashera our goddess, mother of all life,

that moldest the buttocks of men/women.


Note to Reader:

Don't be put off by the bantering tone of this piece; the threefold salute is an effective ritual gesture, and the physical benefits (as well as the spiritual ones) are quite real. A few months after incorporating the salute into my daily practice, I began noticing the results myself.

And so (I'm happy to say) did others.


Above: Michelangelo Buonarotti, David (detail)


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Poet, scholar and storyteller Steven Posch was raised in the hardwood forests of western Pennsylvania by white-tailed deer. (That's the story, anyway.) He emigrated to Paganistan in 1979 and by sheer dint of personality has become one of Lake Country's foremost men-in-black. He is current keeper of the Minnesota Ooser.


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