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Subscribe to this list via RSS Blog posts tagged in satire

Posted by on in Culture Blogs
How Pagan Are You?

1. How many Green Men do you have in your house? (Score: 1 point per Green Man)

2. If they needed a sacrifice, would you volunteer?

a. No.

b. Yes.

c. Where do I sign up?

3. Which of the following books have you read?

a. The Mists of Avalon.

b. The Triumph of the Moon.

c. The White Goddess.

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White House to Host Beltane Celebration Sunday

AP: Washington, D. C.

The White House announced Wednesday that it will host the nation's first presidential Beltane celebration since the 1920s, on Sunday, May 7.

“Wiccans will be flying in from all over the country,” press secretary Sean Spicer told reporters. “On planes, mostly.”

“I ♥ Wiccans,” tweeted acting President Ronald Rump later in the day. "They're amazing people, amazing."

A White House spokesman later offered a clarification, indicating that the president was actually referring to Presbyterians.

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
Prince William Initiated Into Coven

AP: London

Palace sources confirmed today that Prince William, eventual heir to the British throne, was recently initiated into a local Windsor coven.

“The Duke of Cambridge's interest in the Old Ways is of both a long-standing and a deeply personal nature,” a spokesman said, while requesting that the prince's “spiritual privacy” be respected.

According to Rowan Williams, former Archbishop of Canterbury, this initiation in no way conflicts with the prince's likely future standing as “Defender of the [Anglican] Faith.”

“He would certainly not be the first King of England to maintain the Old Faith along with the New,” he said on Friday.

Smiling, he added: “Haven't you ever heard of the 'King of the Witches'?”

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'Pagan' Website Revealed as Front for 'Islamic State'

AP: Washington, DC

Even in a year of fake news, it came as something of a surprise 

The FBI revealed today that the popular PaganSquare blogsite is actually a front for the so-called 'Islamic State' (IS).

'For propaganda purposes, it was a brilliant stroke,' said an FBI source, who spoke under condition of anonymity.

'What better way to fuel global jihad than to convince would-be jihadis that the West is undergoing a resurgence in paganism?'

According to the Qur'an, Jews and Christians are protected religious minorities, but pagans must choose between conversion to Islam or death.

Documents found at IS headquarters in a recently-retaken section of Mosul in Iraq definitively confirmed the connection.

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Meatless Diets Promote Climate Change, Warns Scientist

AP: Minneapolis, Minnesota

You may have heard that the single most important thing that you can do to reduce your carbon footprint is to become vegan or vegetarian.

Not so, says Dr. Stanley Friehl of the University of Paganistan's School of Bio-Chemistry.

In an article in the current issue of Scientific American, Friehl suggests that the average plant-based diet actually increases the amount of greenhouse-gas emission.

“Admittedly, meat is bad for the environment,” writes Friehl.

“But while it's true that reducing the amount of meat that you consume will significantly lower carbon emission, studies show that giving up meat is actually worse for the environment,” he adds.

While this conclusion may seem counter-intuitive, the fact that the average vegan or vegetarian is far more likely to consume greater quantities of pulses—beans, peas, and lentils—than the average practicing omnivore, means that they in turn emit higher amounts of methane.

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NASA Confirms Gift of Moon Rock to Minneapolis Pagan Temple

AP: Houston

NASA confirmed today that the US space agency has agreed to donate one of its Moon rocks to a pagan temple in Minneapolis.

"To some, these rocks hold profound spiritual, as well as scientific, significance," said a NASA representative who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Moon worship is one of humanity's oldest religions, and we are proud to make this gift."

Founded in 1980, the Temple of the Moon, the designated recipient of the Moon rock, is the oldest continuously-operating pagan temple in the Twin Cities area, commonly known as "Paganistan" because of its large pagan population.

According to Steven Posch, the temple's priest-in-residence, "Without the Moon's influence on Earth's tides, life literally would not exist on this planet. Small wonder that our ancestors revered the Moon, as we still do today. Now this relic of our goddess can be properly reverenced, as it so richly deserves."

The rock in question, a brescia from the Mare Fecundatatis, was gathered during the Apollo 13 expedition to the Moon in 1970.

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Recent Comments - Show all comments
  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    Maybe it's time for a Paganistan Aeronautics and Space Administration. PASA, anyone?
  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    You're right on both counts, Jon, and kudos for your close reading. Alas, "fake" news doesn't have to be true, only believable.
  • Jön Upsal's Gardener
    Jön Upsal's Gardener says #
    More's the pity. I'm a huge fan and supporter of space exploration. Good on you for the verisimilitude. What I wouldn't give for
  • Jön Upsal's Gardener
    Jön Upsal's Gardener says #
    The Soviet Luna 16 probe brought back some samples from Mare Fecunditatis in 1970, but I don't see how NASA would have ended up wi
  • Jön Upsal's Gardener
    Jön Upsal's Gardener says #
    Apollo 13 never landed on the moon. How could they have gathered any moon rocks?

Posted by on in Culture Blogs
13 o' Clock

 Thirteenth Night,

when time runs backwards,

and the world whirls giddily widdershins.

Happy Feast of Fools!

 

Htrae eht nopu tuo deruop si evol ym dna,

Gnivil lla fo Rehtom eht ma I, dloheb rof,

ecifircas ni thgua dnamed I od ron.

Erofeb enog evah ohw esoht htiw noinuer dna,

modeerf, ecaep, htaed dnoyeb dna;

lanrete tirips eht fo egdelwonk evig I, htrae nopu....

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