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Subscribe to this list via RSS Blog posts tagged in satire
'Pagan' Website Revealed as Front for 'Islamic State'

AP: Washington, DC

Even in a year of fake news, it came as something of a surprise 

The FBI revealed today that the popular PaganSquare blogsite is actually a front for the so-called 'Islamic State' (IS).

'For propaganda purposes, it was a brilliant stroke,' said an FBI source, who spoke under condition of anonymity.

'What better way to fuel global jihad than to convince would-be jihadis that the West is undergoing a resurgence in paganism?'

According to the Qur'an, Jews and Christians are protected religious minorities, but pagans must choose between conversion to Islam or death.

Documents found at IS headquarters in a recently-retaken section of Mosul in Iraq definitively confirmed the connection.

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Meatless Diets Promote Climate Change, Warns Scientist

AP: Minneapolis, Minnesota

You may have heard that the single most important thing that you can do to reduce your carbon footprint is to become vegan or vegetarian.

Not so, says Dr. Stanley Friehl of the University of Paganistan's School of Bio-Chemistry.

In an article in the current issue of Scientific American, Friehl suggests that the average plant-based diet actually increases the amount of greenhouse-gas emission.

“Admittedly, meat is bad for the environment,” writes Friehl.

“But while it's true that reducing the amount of meat that you consume will significantly lower carbon emission, studies show that giving up meat is actually worse for the environment,” he adds.

While this conclusion may seem counter-intuitive, the fact that the average vegan or vegetarian is far more likely to consume greater quantities of pulses—beans, peas, and lentils—than the average practicing omnivore, means that they in turn emit higher amounts of methane.

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NASA Confirms Gift of Moon Rock to Minneapolis Pagan Temple

AP: Houston

NASA confirmed today that the US space agency has agreed to donate one of its Moon rocks to a pagan temple in Minneapolis.

"To some, these rocks hold profound spiritual, as well as scientific, significance," said a NASA representative who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Moon worship is one of humanity's oldest religions, and we are proud to make this gift."

Founded in 1980, the Temple of the Moon, the designated recipient of the Moon rock, is the oldest continuously-operating pagan temple in the Twin Cities area, commonly known as "Paganistan" because of its large pagan population.

According to Steven Posch, the temple's priest-in-residence, "Without the Moon's influence on Earth's tides, life literally would not exist on this planet. Small wonder that our ancestors revered the Moon, as we still do today. Now this relic of our goddess can be properly reverenced, as it so richly deserves."

The rock in question, a brescia from the Mare Fecundatatis, was gathered during the Apollo 13 expedition to the Moon in 1970.

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Recent Comments - Show all comments
  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    Maybe it's time for a Paganistan Aeronautics and Space Administration. PASA, anyone?
  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    You're right on both counts, Jon, and kudos for your close reading. Alas, "fake" news doesn't have to be true, only believable.
  • Jön Upsal's Gardener
    Jön Upsal's Gardener says #
    More's the pity. I'm a huge fan and supporter of space exploration. Good on you for the verisimilitude. What I wouldn't give for
  • Jön Upsal's Gardener
    Jön Upsal's Gardener says #
    The Soviet Luna 16 probe brought back some samples from Mare Fecunditatis in 1970, but I don't see how NASA would have ended up wi
  • Jön Upsal's Gardener
    Jön Upsal's Gardener says #
    Apollo 13 never landed on the moon. How could they have gathered any moon rocks?

Posted by on in Culture Blogs
13 o' Clock

 Thirteenth Night,

when time runs backwards,

and the world whirls giddily widdershins.

Happy Feast of Fools!

 

Htrae eht nopu tuo deruop si evol ym dna,

Gnivil lla fo Rehtom eht ma I, dloheb rof,

ecifircas ni thgua dnamed I od ron.

Erofeb enog evah ohw esoht htiw noinuer dna,

modeerf, ecaep, htaed dnoyeb dna;

lanrete tirips eht fo egdelwonk evig I, htrae nopu....

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President Elect Appoints Obscure Blogger as Liaison to Pagan Community

AP: New York

The transition team of president elect Ronald Rump announced today the appointment of obscure PaganSquare blogger Steven Posch as the administration's future liaison with the pagan community.

“Sure, he's a nobody from nowhere that nobody listens to,” said an aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “For an insignificant bunch of losers like the pagans, who cares?”

Critics faulted the choice as unrepresentative.

“Darling, Posch doesn't speak for anyone but himself, and that's on a good day,” said Glyph And/Or of Witches Against Negativity and Discrimination (WAND), adding: “He's so far out of the pagan mainstream that his hooves aren't even wet.”

Questioned about his choice, president elect Rump said: “It's so unfair. You don't even know what you're talking about. You're stupid, stupid.

“And you're ugly, too.

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Posted by on in Culture Blogs
Message Found on a Cell Phone

Hey Anita, it's Steven.

I can't remember whether or not there's reception down where you guys are camped. I know that Iacchus has a signal up top at the Big House, so presumably you'll get this sooner or later.

As you'll recall, my original plan was to get to the festival tomorrow—Wednesday—but I'm afraid there have been a few, ah, developments around here.

In fact, you're not going to believe this, but at the moment my house is surrounded by a mob of irate villagers, complete with pitchforks and torches.

Seriously, I am not making this up. You may even be able to hear them in the background. [Muffled shouting.] Like you say, life imitating art.

Gods, with all the kids around here, you'd think they could spare one or two every now and then. I mean, a guy's got to eat, right?

But no.

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Children's Song Preserves Early American Hymn to Goddess of Witches, Says Academic

AP: Boston

Was the common American children's song She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain originally a hymn to the Moon Goddess of the Witches?

A new study by historian and ethnomusicologist Stefano Pozzo, current chair of ethnomusicology at Massachusetts' prestigious Miskatonic University, suggests that this may indeed be the case.

“It's one of the great mysteries of American paidomusicology [the study of children's music],” says Pozzo. “Who is this mysterious and powerful female driving six white horses? I think that we can now say confidently that we know exactly who she is.”

In the current issue of Ethnomusicology Today, Pozzo examines the earliest surviving texts of the song to present his case.

She'll be coming' round the mountain when she comes,” he writes, “Could one ask for a clearer image of moonrise?”

According to Pozzo, when 17th century British witches fled to the New World to escape religious persecution, they brought their immemorial devotion to the Moon along with them.

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Recent Comments - Show all comments
  • K
    K says #
    I wonder if they have an original copy of this song in the Orne Library?
  • Althea
    Althea says #
    Miskatonic University, huh?
  • Steven Posch
    Steven Posch says #
    Wikipedia has "red" pajamas, but I like "silk" much better. And sleeping with Grandma fits right in: it's funny and mythic both.
  • Carol P. Christ
    Carol P. Christ says #
    I've heard red pyjamas too. The added line with sleep with grandma is "move over." With chicken n dumplins it's "yum yum." etc.
  • Carol P. Christ
    Carol P. Christ says #
    Oh and the Mountain Mother is one of the most common images of the Goddess in places where there are visible mountains.

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