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Dear Boss Warlock:

Help!

As a native Midwesterner, I know that it's wrong to buy rhubarb, but—in a moment of weakness—I actually did. From a store, no less.

Now my guilt over what I've done is crushing me. Please, what can I do to get clean of it?

Guilty in Galena

Dear Guilty:

I'm afraid there are some crimes that are beyond even Boss Warlock's power to forgive.

By your own admission, you bought—actually paid money for—rhubarb, knowing that what you were doing was wrong. The fact is, there's no way that you can get clean of a crime of such magnitude. Basically, Guilty, you're screwed.

(For the benefit of the non-Midwesterners among us, let me explain that Guilty—by his own admission—has violated one of the prime taboos of Midwestern culture. Every Midwesterner is born knowing that you never buy rhubarb. As a proper Midwesterner, you should have your own clump, growing out by the back door. Even if you can't grow your own—say you're a renter somewhere—you should be able to get your rhubarb from friends or relatives who, of course, have their own clumps growing out by the back door.)

No, Guilty, by violating this taboo, you have laid yourself open to the Curse. For the next twelve months, you will be buried in rhubarb. Once word gets out—and, believe me, I've already hacked into your account and let every single one of your contacts know—everyone within three degrees of separation will be giving you rhubarb. In fact, I've already over-nighted you some from my own garden. Expect it by tomorrow.

Here's your only hope, Guilty: get your butt over to somebody's house and get a plug from their rhubarb. (No, for gods' sakes, don't go to a lawn center and buy a plug! What are you, suicidal?!)

By and large, the pagan religions are not known for their food taboos.

Oh, we may have our dietary preferences, but it's worth noting that, when food taboos are present among pagans, they tend to apply only to the priesthood, or to be observed only for a certain period of time. Otherwise, generally speaking, the default food setting for pagans is Omnivore.

But if, say, Indo-European-speaking pagans did have a food taboo, what might it be?

Please note that what follows is neither prescription nor suggestion. It is, merely, three points of historic data.

West

 For all that we're no People of the Book, M. L. West's magisterial Indo-European Poetry and Myth comes as close to a one-stop-shop for pagan Received Tradition as I can think of.

 I first discovered the Wonderful World of West while tracking down a purported taboo in Indo-European cultures against pissing toward the Sun.

 Sure enough, in culture after culture, there it is, written not on paper but in the hearts and minds of the people: you don't piss toward the Sun.