Dear GW/BW

Do you think it's really worth talking to the devil? What has he done for you? Who do you think is more powerful, Satan, or God?

Thor Vader (editorial note, this is a genuine question we got on Facebook, and we did not make up this pen name!)

Good Witch replies:

Okay, Good Witch is putting away the pink glitter wand for this one.

 

Dude, "Thor Vader?" Seriously? Why not just go with Trolley McTrollerson and be done with it? Not only that, you’ve managed to get Janet Jackson’s “What Have You Done for Me Lately?” stuck in my head, AND you’ve asked one of the most annoying, cliché questions you can ask a Witch. Bloody hell. The only reason I’m going to waste the time and pixels to answer you is that some other idiot out there is probably asking the same ignorant thing.

 

Let’s be crystal clear: Witches don’t worship Satan. Most (if not all) Witches don’t even BELIEVE in Satan. In the Middle Ages, Christianity adopted a dualistic way of thinking — good vs. evil — and needed a name and a face for ultimate evil. Their god — the symbol of ultimate good — needed an antagonist. So they created Satan to represent the opposite of what was good and holy.

 

Witches aren’t Christians, and we aren’t dualistic. We don’t see the world as good and evil, black and white, and we don’t need a face of ultimate evil to contrast against our gods. We have Donald Trump, Boko Haram, Isil, and Vladimir Putin to remind us that there’s evil in the world. We don’t follow the Christian god, and we don’t follow the Christian devil. It’s that simple.

 

As for why we’d talk to Satan or who’s stronger, him or the Christian god, it’s a lot like in the movie Stand by Me when Vern asks Teddy whether Superman or Mighty Mouse would win in a fight. Most Witches would say, “Why are you asking me? I don’t believe in either of them!”

 

In the Middle Ages, a lot of people were accused of witchcraft and Satanism and killed for it. None of them were Witches or Satanists; they were Christians at the wrong end of the legal process. Modern Witches follow a religion that’s different from Christianity and doesn’t include its god or its devil. But the association of witches and Satanists still sticks, and there are certain conservative Christians who cling to and propagate the idea, even though it wasn’t true in the Middle Ages and isn’t true now. For some of them it’s a way to unite the flock in fear of Witches who would lead them astray. For some it’s a license to feel superior to someone else; to discriminate and hate. For some it’s just sheer ignorance. And for some it’s a kind of lurid fascination. All of it, frankly, has gotten tiresome beyond belief.

So, Thor, if you want to chase Satanists, chase actual Satanists — you know, the ones who call themselves Satanists. But I’d be careful; they’re not to be trifled with, and they’re quite litigious. And by the way, “Vader” was derived from the German word for “father.” Thor’s father in Norse mythology was Odin, who incited wars, was the animating force of all life, sacrificed one of his eyes and hung himself for nine days from a tree for wisdom, and was a general badass — not Anthony Hopkins in a comic book movie — so you might want to think twice about who you’re mocking with your name, little jötunn.

Bad Witch replies:

Thor, you are an idiot. (I have been waiting rather a long time to write that phrase.) Because I am bored tonight, I will go a little farther by saying that you are a misinformed idiot.
Most Pagans, Heathens, Witches etc. not only don’t make pacts with the Devil, they don’t actually believe he exists.

And for the All-Star Battle Royale between Satan and God, you’ll need to check in with your Christian friends about that because it’s not part of our practice. Happy? I refer you to the Malleus Maleficarum for further stupid tales of witch activity. But be careful — your mighty member may end up in a bird’s nest in a tree somewhere, Thor.