It's the little shadows that linger out of view, the waking me up at 3am, the subtle touches in the middle of the night to let me know that you are there, but invisible.

I know you are contacting me to let me know you are there.  I know you are bringing me information about someone that I do not want to hear.  But you don't tell me.  I see you as you wear a hat, sometimes you even look like Odin and I hear the call of his ravens, sometimes like Jesus, sometimes just a white feathery being, and sometimes as a small dark spot or shadow lurking outside of my field of vision.  But you are always the same.  I don't understand why you take all these shapes, but I know it's you down deep within.

Every time you visit, though, something bad happens to someone that I know in some way, shape, or form.  In all these years of your visiting, you nave never, ever given me any clue as to where I need to watch.

Part of me feels that this is because you don't want me to intervene.  Which I can understand.  When it is time, it is time.  But to just be able to say "Hi" one last time.  That would be nice, wouldn't it?

I have tried to reason with you, I have had personal conversations, private words, asked for guidance, for vision, for words, whispers on the wind.  But you have chosen to remain quiet.  It has been nearly 47 years that I remember you lurking.  I would think that after all this time, you would take pity and speak to me.

Instead, you lurk.  Leaving me wondering, looking at people, wondering.

You know how this bothers me.  And as I am getting older, it bothers me more.  

So you visit.  You touch my knee at night, waking me up a 3 in the morning.  And try to go back to sleep, but I ask you quietly, "Please talk to me, please give me a sign."  And still nothing.  I start to fall back asleep, and I feel you touch my knee again.  Please let me sleep, please, if you won't talk.

I will wait, I will watch, I will wonder who, and when it happens, I will go back and think about all the possible signs.  

These are my only lessons.  And just to let you know, to date, I cannot find the signs, I do not see any connections, the only thing I have had one or two times, is an obvious gut feeling - I mean really, when someone is in their 90's and in poor health, that's pretty obvious.  Or when my father was in ICU and you gave me signs, I really do thank you for showing me that it was going to be him.  I heard you loud and clear then.

I am still learning.  I do thank you for coming around.  Just please, help me see better.

This is the conversation I have been having again this week.  It haunts me at times to go through this, but yet, I feel it is a blessing that I get to go through it, that I get prior knowledge.  I have found that even though I don't see the signs or hear the whispers, I do get to settle my soul into knowing that something is going to happen to someone.