It’s strange, I moved away from this small town and loved living in the larger city.  More people, anonymity, and lots and lots of self-exploration.  I never once decided that I was going to give up or give in and move back.  The thought actually had never crossed my mind.

Until I had kids and went through a rough time in my marriage.  We moved back.  I thought that this would give me time to become regrounded, time to center myself and become stronger, a time to find out who I was at my core without my mother reminding me who I was supposed to be.

I found out that I could live on my own, very successfully at that!  I discovered that I liked being totally alone.  I was also very adventuresome.  It didn’t bother me to go out on my own and discover what was around me.  I had the gift of naivety, I think that there was a time where I honestly felt that I couldn’t be hurt by some outside source.  Most of the pain and hurt that I had in my life was caused by those who were closest to me.

I also discovered parts of religion that I was very interested in.  I grew up traditional Lutheran.  But there was always a part of me that longed to be in nature, living, breathing, and feeling.  Nearly every Sunday after church my father and I would take walks up into the woods that were behind my grandmother’s house – which is now my house.  It was wonderful.  This was God’s living church. 

I learned so much in those woods.  I learned how to care for a natural spring, how to know where the animals walked, how to search for berries and how to watch the seasons.  I also learned to listen to the earth. 

One day when I was about 5 years old, while we were walking up in the woods, I remember a large cat standing on the edge of a deer trail that dad and I were walking.  Dad was looking at something behind me and I started to walk over to the cat.  It just stood there waiting for me.  I was almost there and I heard dad call to me and the amount of nervous caution in his voice was enough to make me stop.  I turned to him and he looked as if something terrible was about to happen.  He quietly encouraged me to go back to him.  Once I was there, he picked me up and carried me quickly in the opposite direction.  Later he told me that it wasn’t a regular house cat, but a bobcat. 

Another time we were walking the deer trail and he told me to sit down next to a tree.  He had heard something approaching and he wanted to see what it was.  While sitting there, I could hear footfalls approaching.  Suddenly a deer jumped out onto the trail, a white deer!  I had never seen an albino deer before.  It stood there looking at us.  We sat as still as we could for the longest time, which was probably about only five minutes, but it was long enough to watch it move around and come nearly ten feet from us.  It nibbled on a few branches and nuzzled through the leaves on the ground.  Then its ears perked up and it stopped, frozen.  And as suddenly as it appeared, it disappeared.

One of the strangest moments I vividly remember was a time when my mother was driving me to the dentist’s office.  This was located in another town and could take nearly 30 minutes to get there.  While sitting in the back seat on the drive, I had closed my eyes.  This took me into a vivid vision, one that I could physically feel the vision.  I felt as though I was running through the woods for my life.  There was a log that I had to jump over and when I did, I saw two front hooves.  Hooves!  Deer Hooves!  At that moment it was as if my soul had separated from my body and was in the body with the deer, yet at times I wasn’t in the deer but floating beside it as it ran.  I felt the heart racing as it ran for an escape.  I could smell the forest around me, I could hear a cracking of a gun and then again I was off running.  I remember having this eerie feeling throughout the entire day.  There was nothing I could do to shake the feeling of this deer.

Rarely have I had any other connection such as this.

There were no answers that anyone around this town could give me on what had happened.  Out of sheer fear I didn’t bring it up, didn’t talk about that experience.  I was too afraid of what the people around me would do or think. 

Once I moved away, I found that there were people that had similar experiences.  But now I’m too nervous to talk to these strangers.  I quietly observed many people, I wished that I could have been as open as they were.  I struggled with my feelings.

Slowly, I would open up and start to believe and show my beliefs.  But then something would be said or a look would be given and I would shut down all over again.  I hated myself for being so hidden.  I would go back to what I was taught as a child.

Then I would find a certain amount of strength and freedom and bring myself back out again.  I would find stores that had like-minded individuals that I could talk to, books that I could read.  But, as before, something would scare me back into my shell.

Once married and comfortable in my new surroundings, I started to find my beliefs again.  It wasn’t that they were lost, but out of fear, I buried them.

This was a slow process, one that caution had me moving like a snail.  I researched and read and at times became very confident in the path that I was taking.  But again, one day my life changed, my marriage was rocked and because of the smallest comment, I withdrew again. 

As I healed and as my trust tried to find its way back, I continued my studies and research only very privately.  I had noticed though that each time I began again, I began in a more forward direction rather than starting back at the beginning.  Before, years ago, I always reverted back to the beginning, as if I was just walking into this path.  But not now, now I can start nearly where I left off, if not a little more forward.  I’m progressing.

My only problem was that there were too many negative memories where we were.  There were too many connections that would drag me down too quickly.  I needed peace and solace.  I needed my grandmother’s house and the woods.  I needed to feel the grass beneath my feet and smell the cool morning air.  I needed to be away from all the people.  And I needed to hear the peep frogs.

So, we moved.  Moved back to my hometown and into my grandmother’s house.  It has helped, but I’ve noticed that once again, I have had to nearly bury my beliefs and pretend to become what I’m not just to keep the sanity and security of my family.

Again, slowly I start to come out, I meet people who appear to be of like thought, and again, something is said that just doesn’t sit well with me and again I’m back into my shell. 

And now, I want to move back.  Only this time I want to move to the ocean.  One of the problems, I cannot give up my grandmother’s house.

Will this circle ever end?  Is it supposed to end?  What am to learn from all this?  I thought that I was happy with who I am and where I am, regardless.  I understood that there would be times and places where I would need to hide myself to keep my family in a safe place.  But when can I completely show my true self?

These are the questions that trouble me as I come into Beltane.