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Sacrifices are made every day.  Some are greater than others.  Some are just things that are put off until a time when they can be brought back out and looked at again.  Some are given up together.  These sacrifices bring on change.  Sometimes we see them as just sacrifices, but if you look deeper, they may be signs of a change in your life, a change in the way you eat, a change in what you have learned, or even a change in how you react throughout your day.

They say that we are in a constant state of learning, a constant state of sacrifice, and a constant state of change.  I believe this is true.  I know when I am preparing for one of my belly dance classes, I may decide to teach the students a new move.  Even if I have performed this move many times in the past, I will research and study to make sure that I am teaching how to do the movements as accurately and physically proper as I can.  When I personally do the movements within a dance, I am not thinking about how to explain them to someone else.  During this time, I may learn something new about the movement that I never knew before.  Or I may learn that I have changed the proper way to perform this movement and have gotten lazy with my movements and find that in my laziness and may be hurting my body by not performing the movement correctly.  I try to remind myself that I need to be open and accepting and willing to give up the bad habit.  Ultimately, this excites me and encourages me to continue on. 

They speak to me at times, the ones behind the veil.  I can hear them and sense them, but I cannot always see them.  Other times I can see them, but cannot hear what they are saying. Its frustrating to have this happen, so see things that you cannot explain to people around you.  It's even harder to know that there is something that they are trying to tell me but I cannot make sense of it.

At one time it was easier, before kids, before the business of life.  Now the tide is changing and life is slowing a bit - at least for me in some ways - and they are coming back, talking. 

The Crone is knocking,

I hear her in the trees

Nine years ago we bought my grandmother's house.  This place has been very important to me, it has always been a security blanket of sorts, even in my dreams.  My cousin had purchased the house after my grandmother passed in 1988 and lived therefor 17 years.  Then in 2005, he sold it to my husband and I.  At that time, we lived outside of Baltimore, Maryland.  We wanted this space so when we would drive the six hours northwest to my hometown, we can take our three beautiful kids someplace other than my mom's crowded house or  hotel.  This place would be perfect, not too large, enough room for us to spread out and the affordability to have the necessary creature comforts.  Plus there is this beautiful large yard surrounded by woods - the very woods my father and I would explore for a few hours nearly every Sunday - where the kids can walk outside and run and explore without us having to drive to larger spaces or worry about who might be lurking around.

That first summer we cleaned and rearranged and started to renovate.  It didn't seem as though the place had been touched since she passed.

Sometimes it is easier to just sit back and not try to take that step forward. Maybe dealing with the negativity that has become so common in my life is easier than stepping into the unknown. But by dealing with this negativity I have noticed that over the pasts two years my health has declined, my motivation has declined, as well, my positive attitude and outlook has declined.

Some days you just can’t see the light even if it was shining right in your eyes.  I try to remind myself on those days to think positive, to find the positive in everything I see, hear and feel.  It doesn’t always work.  Some days I can feel myself sinking, deeper and deeper into a black hole. 

I don’t do “New Year Resolutions,” they never work – at least not for me.  I do “let me try my best” efforts.

Last year I started with regular doctor visits.  I had gotten away from them when my husband’s job was terminated and we lost our insurance.  He became self employed and we were paying nearly $800 a month for health insurance for our family which also had a high co-pay.  Finally after nearly two years of paying that, we stopped.  One doctor had told us that if we went in for a visit without insurance, we would be paying only $5 more per visit than what we were paying with our co-pay.