Mother’s Day this year had me thinking about my mother and my journey with Goddess. As a child, my mother was my first Goddess- I looked to her to keep me alive. My physical and emotional needs were met by her. As I got older, my mother shared the pantheon with the Virgin Mary. My mother is a Virgin Mary devotee with a liberal attitude toward divorce, birth control and other women’s right issues. As I grew up, I learned to look to my mother also as prophetic Goddess, showing me where our life was leading to. I would then turn to the Virgin Mary in my dreams to comfort me and shield me from my nightmares.
As a teenager, I became aware that Goddess existed as a truth beyond my own personal experiences. I grew away from seeing my mother as Goddess, archetypal mother providing me with all the love I needed. As I drew away from my Catholic upbringing I could no longer find solace in the Virgin Mary with her submissive undertones. As I grew into my sexuality, the Virgin did not resonate with me. I researched the Goddess in the Neo-Pagan movement-- I welcomed the Goddess who saw all acts of love and pleasure as her rituals. I started shifting my need for greater mother love to the Goddess as well. I learned more about all the different Goddesses-- especially Ariadne, Kali and the ancient Goddesses of Neolithic times.
Later, I went through a dark time in my life full of depression and eating disorders, I immersed myself even more in the history of Goddess. Looking back, I see that time as lacking in self-love. I looked everywhere but to myself for the love and acceptance I craved. I am forever grateful to Goddess as deity and idea, holding my mother love until I could take it on. Eventually I realized that I could not heal without being my own Mother Goddess. A Mother Goddess nourishing herself physically and emotionally—I healed myself of depression and anorexia!
I am moving even further into the Mother Goddess aspect of my life. I have chosen not to have children. I thought I was permanently stuck as Maiden because of this until one day I would become a fierce Crone. Then I, as Mother Goddess, find that I am giving birth to my own business, art projects, and books. I am Mother Goddess as Creatrix. I create the life I want for myself. I step into the Goddess as power unto myself.
Mother’s day is still a day for me to honor my mother and that first Goddess connection. I also honor the mother I am for myself. I honor the Goddess within and outside of myself. I honor the journey to Goddess. Thanks to that journey I am able to be the woman I am now. I am a woman who can say, “I love myself”. A woman that provides herself with the love and self-care she needs. Whenever I lose touch with that self-love, I turn to the Goddess as reminder of my divinity and power.