Awakening Goddess: Empowering the Goddess Within

As above, so below, as within, so without - every thing that we desire, and every thing that we fear, exists within us. This blog explores nourishing our dreams, committing to our highest values, and healing ourselves from the inside out: awakening and empowering the Goddess within our bodies, hearts, and lives.

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Valentine’s and the Self-Married Woman

(Blog image by Tom LaBaff)

This is my first Valentine’s as a self-married woman.

As a single woman, I sometimes hated this holiday, labeling it “commercial” and “Single’s Awareness Day.”  I laughed at my Dad for getting engaged and then married on Valentine’s, teasing him for making sure he won’t forget his anniversary.

When I was in relationships in the past, Valentine’s was pretty hit or miss.  I never had a super romantic partner who would wow me with some creative, perfectly suited plans and gifts.

But this is my chance, right?  Being my own wife means I have the opportunity to have the best Valentine’s ever!


Whether I am in a relationship with another person or not, I always get to choose how I feel about and on any given day.  No matter what history a particular day has for me, I still get to choose whether to celebrate it, ignore it, appreciate it, or mourn it.


I thought about marrying myself for years before I finally did it on my 33rd birthday, May 9th 2014.  (I’ll never forget my own anniversary!)

I first read about the concept in the blogs of two women I follow and admire: Dianne Sylvan and Leonie Dawson.  You can see those posts here and here.

At the time I read those posts, I was fighting lifelong Major Depressive Disorder, and losing.  I hated myself.  I wanted to love myself, but I didn’t know how.  I didn’t even know how to like myself at that point.  My self-worth relied entirely on praise and attention from other people.  When someone was upset with me or didn’t like me, I felt crushed and worthless and begged my friends for reassurance that I wasn’t all bad.

 Depression doesn’t feel like that to everyone who suffers from it, by the way.  Depression often expresses as a feeling that nothing you do changes anything, so why bother trying - there’s no hope and no one cares enough to help.  It’s a distorted view of the world toward powerlessness.

As a depressed woman, I was very good at committing myself to the happiness of my friends and lovers.  I went above and beyond in my attempts to make sure my loved ones felt valued, that they knew I was there for them no matter what.

The idea that I could do that for myself, that I should do that for myself, was difficult to wrap my mind around at first.

Though I had no idea how I would do it, the moment I first read about self-marriage, I knew I wanted that for myself.  Just wanting it, thinking about it, what it would mean to me, was enough to help me start moving away from a depressive mindset and into a more empowered place.

I talked about it at workshops I led and with friends around the campfire.  I wrote about it in my journal, and read about it online and in books I found in used book stores.  I kept putting it off because I was too embarrassed to invite people, even people who loved me, to a celebration of self-love.

Finally, on my birthday last year I decided it was time, and I didn’t need any witnesses other than myself and my connection with divinity.  I didn’t need props or decorations, pretty words perfectly typed or memorized, the perfect location, or the perfect symbol of my commitment.  I had all of that inside me.  I chose the ring I always wore that represents to me my connection with divinity, and I made my vows to myself right there in my sanctuary, my bedroom.

Most importantly, I meant them.  I committed myself to my own happiness and health, to support and encourage myself no matter what, and I meant it.

Part of that commitment to me means choosing to celebrate and appreciate each day I am blessed with, in any way I see fit.

So for my first Valentine’s as a self-married woman, I choose to celebrate by practicing radical self-love: 

I will massage organic coconut oil into my dry skin, wear my favorite clothes that I feel comfortable and pretty in.

I will make my own dark chocolate treats (and buy discount Godiva on Discount Chocolate Day, which is a whole other celebration.) 

I will write myself a poem and a letter on pretty paper with pretty doodles and frame them and put them on my wall so I can read them whenever I need a boost. 

I might treat myself to a meal that costs more than I normally feel comfortable spending, or I might cook something more gourmet than I usually feel like taking the time to cook. 

I will look into my own eyes and smile and tell me that I love me and appreciate me just the way I am, and I won’t feel silly saying it, because after all these years it’s finally true.

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Ashley Rae published her first book, a memoir, in 2012, and has been a professional psychic, healer, and teacher since 2003. Ashley's goal in life is to help you empower the divine spark within yourself so that you can love yourself freely, make your life awesome, and make this world a more beautiful, compassionate place. Visit her website to check out her other blog, find out her schedule, book an appointment and register for her classes.


  • Jeanine Byers
    Jeanine Byers Friday, 13 February 2015

    I am self-married, too (and I did it in May, too, on Beltane, a couple of years ago). Hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day!

  • Ashley Rae
    Ashley Rae Monday, 16 February 2015

    I did have a wonderful Valentine's, thanks Jeanine! How was yours?

  • Jeanine Byers
    Jeanine Byers Monday, 16 February 2015

    It was great, thanks! :)

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