Practical Magic: Glamoury and Tealight Hearths
Charms, Hexes, Weeknight Dinner Recipes, Glamoury and Unsolicited Opinions on Morals and Magic
Fix Your Situation
Q. Are you being cursed or hexed?
God, wouldn’t it be awesome if you were? It would be so much easier to take care of if you were! When you know that someone is working on you, it’s really easy to hit them back harder and fix it. Fix them, more to the point.
But sadly, rarely are you half as interesting as you think you are and there are hardly ever any spells full of malefica being cast in your honor. Because really, when someone takes the time to hate you like that, you are indeed very special and very dear to their hearts. It’s why they’re trying to slowly drive you to madness/death with magic. You can’t summon up that level of interest for someone that you aren’t passionate about.
But alas, aleck, as we’ve discussed approximately ELEVENTYBILLION times, rarely is anyone that into you.
Can your conditions be crossed? Oh sure. You know your conditions are crossed when:
1. You’ve lost all sense of time. You don’t know what day it is, what time it is, what time it is in other time zones when talking to friends, just a complete vortex with time moving like you are eight years old again. (So fast! Soooooooooooooo. slooooooooooooooooooow.)
2. Your dreams are not part of your standard missing teeth/omg I’m flying/whatever you usually dream about. You wake up feeling tired even though you’re sleeping the same amount.
3. Suddenly, many inconvenient things are happening that have the potential to become much more than a minor annoyance.
4. The people around you are going through hardship and physical injury seemingly out of nowhere.
5. You do some divination work and all signs point to crossed.
So, great. You know your conditions are crossed. Now what? See, this is where it becomes a clusterf*ck in my opinion. Since it’s your conditions that are crossed and not specific spellwork crossing you, it’s basically a butterfly-effect that becomes the cesspool that you’re currently rolling around in.
You can try to do divination to find all the crossed threads but because it’s not coming from one convenient person and instead is likely a mess of seven jigsaw puzzles thrown in a bag with twenty missing pieces, it’s only going to do so much.
So, the first step here is to accept the fact that you’re not going to get to point your finger dramatically at a few people/spirits and be all, j’accuse! Problem solved! This is harder than it sounds because how do you solve a problem like Maria if Maria can be in eight different places at the same time and you have no idea what she looks like?
So, come to terms with the fact that you’re not going to be able to completely untangle this rat king. If it makes you feel better, assign blame a few places but don’t really do anything about said blame as it's likely completely baseless and simply there to make you feel better and like you've solved something. You don't need a bigger Mess for you to clean up later, especially since we are 99.9% sure that They Are Not That Into You.
Step two. You know how you feel completely and utterly demotivated right now? You know how you have zero desire to accomplish any of your goals because making the smallest most inconsequential step feels like trying to run under water so why even bother? You need to crush that right now, sister. Pretend to Don Draper/Jack Donogue/Lord Grantham/White Dudebro with Massive Privilege of Your Choice if you need to, but the quickest way to uncross yourself is to tell the universe to go fly a kite because that you’re not going to be stopped by petty shit like possibly being denied life improving medication by your insurance carrier. Nay, instead you will make all the calls and get all the pricing and give all the information because can’t stop, won’t stop.
If you hustle when it’s hardest, the universe will be like, “Well, shit ant 937465465895969696962113, you sure have some moxy to you, don’t you? Alright, I want to see what you’re going to try to build since you are undeterred by every obstacle I throw in your path. Let’s see what you do, champ.”
Step three. You likely have some unwanted (spirit) visitors who are couch surfing in your house because while you were watching an Intervention marathon, they got together and decided to combine their powers into something bigger and more useful to act like a hurricane in your house. Why? I don’t know, spend a day with a cat or a toddler and then get back to me. Give them their spiritual equivalent of a pineapple or just flat out eat their punk asses, but take care of it.
Critical Sidebar: You know how I am constantly telling you to not live like a filthy hamster? Well, between tax season and craft season I’ve been living like a filthy hamster. Important lessons learned during my time as a filthy hamster:
1. It totally helped to crossed up my conditions.
2. It makes cleansing four times harder (though still possible).
3. It’s way easier for couch-surfing rat kings to hide and then reform. Prevention is key. If you don’t want to have to work way harder than you ever should to keep uncrossed and to keep out unwanted things, be neat. Just like in regular life, if you don’t want ants, maggots, roaches and rats in your home, you don’t want oogie boogies in your home either. Being tidy will prevent all forms of yuck.
Step four. Cleanse yourself. Smudge (get the bottoms of your feet), wash your hands with salt, take a cleansing bath, pull out any evil eye barbs that have found their way into you. Keep doing different things until you feel uncrossed.
Step five, up your game. Your protections are weaksauce currently because you are lazy when everything is going well. But I– No, you don’t. Spin a new charm, turn a sock inside out before you wear it, make some servitors, whatever. Get it together and do it and do it well and keep doing it.
Good talk! Now actually do it!
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