Paganistan: Notes from the Secret Commonwealth

In Which One Midwest Man-in-Black Confers, Converses & Otherwise Hob-Nobs with his Fellow Hob-Men (& -Women) Concerning the Sundry Ways of the Famed but Ill-Starred Tribe of Witches.

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Boss Warlock Announces Presidential Bid



Pagan News Network: So, Boss Warlock, you've decided to join the already-crowded field of Republican contenders for President in 2024?

Boss Warlock: Hey, everyone else is running. I figure, why not me too?

PNN: But you're not a Republican.

BW: No, but the Warlock Campaign has a secret weapon. Haven't you ever heard of a selective-seeing spell? Trust me, the Republicans won't even notice.

Of course, we are talking belt and suspenders here. Republicans aren't exactly noted for being perceptive, you know.

PNN: Boss Warlock, you've never held public office before. You're a writer, a blogger, and an advice columnist. To be quite frank, you have zero qualifications for the job. How does that work?

BW: You're asking me this question post-Tr*mp? Seriously?

PNN: Point taken. Alright, recalibrating. Umm: what qualifies you to be President of the United States?

BW: Remember, Deer Stands Up, we're not talking about being President, but about running for President. Those are two different skill-sets entirely. But as to that:

1. I may not be particularly beautiful, but for a man of my age I've got a great body—if you like 'em lean—and a cute little butt. Americans always go for looks over substance.

2. I figure, if you can run a ritual, you can probably run a country.

3. Best of all, I'm really charismatic. As we all know, when it comes to politics, Americans will choose charisma over competence any day of the lunar month.

PNN: Considering the importance of the Evangelical vote, isn't your open paganism a liability?

BW: No, no, we've got that all figured out. The Boss Warlock for President Campaign plans to target Evangelicals specifically.

PNN: How?

BW: Well, they're all going to assume that I'm the Antichrist, right? By the way, did you know that that's Witherchrist in Witch? You know: wither as in withershins.

PNN: That's right, you're a word guy.

BW: Yep. Hey, digressions are inherent in polytheism.

PNN: But back to the Evangelical vote.

BW: So, if I'm the Witherchrist—I'm planning to run a strong parallel campaign in both Witch and Spanish as well as English, by the way—that means that Jesus will be coming back soon. If you're an Evangelical, you want Jesus to come back soon, don't you? The logic is inescapable: the sooner the Witherchrist gets into office, the sooner Jesus will come back. Ergo, as a good Evangelical, it's your responsibility, your religious duty, to vote for the Witherchrist.

PNN: I'm not seeing the logic here.

BW: Logic? Come on, Deer. These are Evangelicals we're talking about.

PNN: Umm...what about the fact that you are—to use your own words—“a big old cock-sucking fag”? Is the Republican Party really ready for a gay candidate for President?

BW: Hel-lo? Weren't you listening earlier? What part of “selective seeing spell” do you not understand?

Besides, it worked for the Dumpster, didn't it? When it comes to seeing what you want to, pagans have no corner on the market; believe me, Evangelicals make us look like amateurs. “Blinkers for Jesus,” you could call it.

PNN: You're—to put it mildly—left of center politically. What about the big culture war issues: Abortion? Immigration? Homosexuality? Gun rights?

BW: Deer, let me tell you a story.

PNN: And you're a storyteller.

BW: Just like every other president. As a little girly-boy growing up in conservative mid-20th century Steeltown, USA, I learned early on: let them think whatever they want to. In the freedom of your own head, you can be whoever you want to be.

PNN: So?

BW: So, I run on an anti-abortion, anti-immigrant, homophobic, free-guns-for-all platform. Then, when I get into the White House, I just do the opposite.

PNN: Gods know, you wouldn't be the first.


PNN: Speaking of which: don't you think that, come across as a little too weird for most American tastes?

BW: Am I weird? Yes! When the going gets weird, the weird get going.

PNN: Oh-kay. Well, Boss Warlock, thanks for speaking with us today, and best of luck in your upcoming campaign.

BW: The Boss for Boss in '24!


Pagan News Network correspondent Deer Stands Up spoke with Boss Warlock at his home in Minneapolis on Wednesday.




Photo (and paint-job!):

Paul B. Rucker


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Poet, scholar and storyteller Steven Posch was raised in the hardwood forests of western Pennsylvania by white-tailed deer. (That's the story, anyway.) He emigrated to Paganistan in 1979 and by sheer dint of personality has become one of Lake Country's foremost men-in-black. He is current keeper of the Minnesota Ooser.


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