Diary of a Lokean mystic.
Seasons and the Muse
I have been quiet here lately because I've had local work going on, and I've been doing self-work as well. Shadow work is interesting, and mine has dug up something that I kind of knew, but I didn't realize just how much one particular word has run my life: lazy. There's a lot of emphasis in spiritwork on, well, work. I'm not here to criticise anyone else's Work, mind you, this is me considering myself and my inner workings. But lazy can and has run my life. I have three advanced degrees. I got them while parenting a child who needed considerable medical therapy. I founded my own indie publishing house before I was 30 years old. I edited for a prestigious science journal by the age of 36. I pursued marathoning. Despite being a Gen Xer, I realize that I can't really use the word slacker in a self-description.
These are all fine and good achievements, and I am glad of the knowledge and skills that I gained in pursuit of them, but I also stayed at them, the jobs particularly, because I feared being lazy. Especially my own company. I grew to hate publishing because I never got to write. When the company went under, I blamed myself for not getting more involved in the financial end, even though I HATED it, and the initial business agreement was that I would not work in that side because I was already writing, editing, doing layout and author recruitment, with promo as necessary. I can't imagine how much more I would have hated my job if I'd added on financial work as well. I would have burnt myself out even more, for fear of being lazy.
"Giving my talents and energy to something that does not serve me well at best robs me of time, and at worst can put my soul in peril. I can lose myself, and what good am I if I am not myself?" -- Star Foster, Happiness and the Muse
After it went under, I stopped writing for a while. I contracted the lung disease that I still deal with today. The Muse was around, and He kept nudging at me until Commander Evil Bitch succeeded in getting me interested in a project again. It's taken me a long time to even consider writing a book again in a serious way. I'd start things and then stop writing because I didn't want to deal with publishing. It is not lost on me that previous behavior that allowed me to avoid my fear of laziness has now made me lazy in pursuing the thing that I actually love to do, and do well.
And so I think perhaps I have finally hit that point where lazy doesn't have to run my life quite so much, and I don't have to be in the thick of everything. I am busier now with classes, teaching, seidhr, parenting, and I have to pick and choose where I use my time and energy more carefully. I can't be everything to everyone, but I can be helpful to the friends and family that I love. I can put aside my fear of lazy, and set aside more time for my Beloved without feeling guilty or unworthy. And maybe I can finally write some of the books He's been wanting and I've been sticking on my mental backburner. "And take a vacation," He said. "Leave the computer at home."
So I'm gonna take the Sithling to the beach and bring a notebook to noodle in, and some cheesecake reading. What? He's a hot Muse.
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