The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress
by Hsi Lai
(No Broomsticks. Yep. None.)
This book begins with a prologue worthy of the best traditions of the 1930’s pulps: a rare and secretive lineage of ancient masters, a 3,000-year legacy, a handwritten manual passed down through the ages, terrible vows of secrecy . . . at any moment I expected Fu Manchu to appear on scene, stroking his moustache in a sinister fashion. Alas, the rest of the book does not live up to the prologue’s promise. The author should have stuck to writing fiction.
Part One of Sexual Teachings attempts to provide its theoretical underpinnings — a female perspective to traditional Taoist sexual philosophy. Unfortunately, it does that by taking the aforementioned philosophy and turning it inside-out. Worse still, the author attempts to justify this reversion through use of Western medicine and biology. Quite aside from the inherent ludicrousness in attempting to analyze an Eastern spiritual tradition with Western science, the author’s grasp of Western science appears to be limited to a 9th grade textbook. A bad 9th grade textbook, mind you, with any pages that don’t support his so-called “theories” conveniently missing.
Part Two describes how a White Tigress is made — and it is that part that moves the book from the “false but harmless” into the “actively dangerous” category. In a discussion of sexually transmitted diseases, the author does not appear to know the difference between HIV and other STDs. Take this zinger, discussing the risk if a White Tigress had unprotected sex with an HIV-infected person: “If infected sperm did get in, however, the Tigress would most likely suffer no ill effects because her practices make her blood and immune system so strong.” (p. 136.) Yikes.
In Part Three the author condescends to explain the practices that bring the White Tigress happiness, sex appeal and immortality. Not being bound by the terrible vows of secrecy, I will summarize:
2. Shaved genitalia
4. Submission to your pimp . . . oops, I mean, your Green Dragon.
5. Blowjobs, as directed by your — ahem, Green Dragon — on as many random men as possible.
6. Being spanked
7. Blowjobs, as directed . . . you get the idea.
If that’s the secret to immortality, your average porn star is immortal five or six times over.
In short, there isn’t a shred of evidence for anything in this book, and a good deal of evidence to the contrary. Conveniently, the names of all the participants have been changed and even the author’s name is a pseudonym. Don’t buy this book. Better yet, buy it and burn it. Better still, burn the author in effigy and write a protest letter to the publisher. This reviewer is going to ask Bad Witch about the best way to dispose of his copy. Ick.
RATING: No Broomsticks. Yep. None.
» Originally appeared in newWitch #01
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